Have you
ever been to bed at the end of the day and were absorbed by guilt? That guilt
rushing towards you holding “I should’ve said that” flag. This is a huge debate
point in our regular talks. We talk about how people misunderstood us, how they
hurt our feelings or how we are sure they meant no good with what appears to
be an innocent question they’ve asked.
My mother is
the kindest person on earth, I believe that trait and her smile are the reasons
she is found attractive by strangers she encounters in her life. She came from
a family that values virtues over materials and they believe in what I call the "sacrifice mentality". If you love someone you would go as far as sacrificing
your all for them. You give without waiting
for return because if that tells the world something it tells it how well
raised and how sophisticated person you are. I believe this kind of thinking is
beautiful and rare in today’s world. Being beautiful doesn’t mean it is
suitable for all ages and all kinds of encounters. Al Ain as a small town is
growing rapidly not just in terms of
modernity but in culture and way of thinking as well. Never the less, if each
of us looked inside their houses we will still find traces of those people who
were raised on the sacrificing mentality. Me myself had dealt with many
troubles being truly influence by my mother’s kindness and following her leads. To listen to those
older than you and never disagree, to always be kind and generous to others
even if that was on your own comfort account, and to never return back the
abuse by another abuse.
What our
parents forgot
What our
parents forgot to answer is how irrational it is to treat different people with a single way. We start wondering
why the same inputs would give us a different output each time. Eventually, we come back to the faulty conclusion of “Maybe it’s Me.”. How many times in your lifetime you blamed
yourself for a friendship that fell apart or for being mistreated after paying good
or maybe not getting the situation right when everything else tells you; you did the right thing? When the processing
of your inputs is giving you unwanted outputs that’s a sign you need a
different inputs to try with. (Excuse my technical terms I came from a technical background)
Social Intelligence
I’m here to
assure you sometimes it is not your fault. You need to learn how to
stand up for yourself especially if what you’re doing is right ethically and legally. In another words, you have to make sure that you 're not harming anyone around you in any way but still receive this kind of treatment. We need to
learn what we once thought a bad person’s habit. We need to be SELFISH for
ourselves once in a while.
People like
my mom should not be underestimated. In fact those people have a very high
emotional intelligence with clear self-awareness and empathy. They can easily
read your facial expressions and know when to interfere or step back. However,
a newer branch of intelligence was identified called the Social intelligence.
Social Intelligence or as some prefer to call it “ people skill”; is about how
you can smartly deal with your social life situations and how to interact with
various types of personalities. It can be considered as a complementary to the
emotional intelligence you already own, but they are not the same. Educating
yourself on such topics can really widen you horizon and polish your ability to
adapt in the vast moving world. And identifying such intelligence by
psychologists shows how important it is to not just be the social beings we
were born to be; but to be masters of the regular act of "socialising" in order to
excel.
To Talk
We don’t
realize how crazily social we are as creatures. We talk to people from
different languages with different background and we learn how to analyze
emotions and situations and act upon them. That’s a huge task in hand, but we
do it as easily as breathing or drinking water and we would expect a clear
communication without clashes or misunderstandings!? That’s way too optimistic!
yet the issue can be resolved by simply talking and clarifying your point. If
you don’t understand even a small part of the way a person acts never give the
implication to the other side that you got it. Stop them to ask for further
explanation. No one thinks it’s smart to be able to guess what people think
inside their heads nor do they want to hear a yes when you mean a No. And NO
one will refuse to rephrase his/her message to you unless that person is
babbling about useless stuff and sees no benefit of transmitting the right
message. I really regret standing in a middle of a foreign joke once and thinking
it was ok and I should be more easy going. I did my part and asked for
explanation but I was given some shallow answer and more laughs. It was hurtful
and I should’ve said well you know what! A joke in a language that you don’t
understand is not a funny joke and I wouldn’t accept to be treated that way. In
my undergrad years, saying Yes when I meant No put me in a lot of trouble. I
used to nod for the instructor when he checked if we got the topic, because I
knew I could get it if I went through it at home. I always ended up wasting
hours and nerves over one part I couldn’t get when asking was so much easier.
Guess we have to live those moments to learn.
How someone I know did it
One of my
workmates is a late thirties lady, she is really friendly and has a large
network of communications which always wows me. I tend to sit with her in our free time
to discuss issues around self-development and weird situations we faced during
the week. I love how our talks takes a critical turn and goes as deep as analyzing
the psychologies behind. She shared a confession with me that if there’s one thing she
regrets doing for over a decade or so; it would be not speaking up for herself
and sacrificing most of her energy and family time to others. People who
she was going against herself for left her/never even remembered her at the peak
of her relationship crisis. And what she made her mind to do this year is to
revalue her relationships and be honest and most importantly transparent about
her needs. She started talking her mind and she lost many people accordingly but those people didn't left that huge impact she thought they own on her life. What was more rewarding in speaking up was the people who appreciated her presence in their lives in first place, they had more of her attention and she got a hand full of their positivity.
Final word
I don’t ask
you to be aggressive nor do I ask you to lower your standards. There is nothing more nobel than modesty and forgiveness but I ask you to
protect yourself in a smart way so you keep your rights and dignity safe. We
are lucky to have parents to correct our actions and clean community that
brought us up to be the sophisticated grown-ups we are now. However, you need
to acknowledge the fact that not everyone took the right turn on his way to
adulthood. Some come loaded with hatred, greed, fear or trust issues while
others come flying over their dreams, hopes, ambitions and kindness. Stop
complaining of how they once treated you and start enforcing the way you want to be
treated by and a step towards that starts with speaking your mind or as the
topic suggests standing up for yourself.
Love,
Amna
Love,
Amna
